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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 8, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT

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game gets an update for today's kids. it's now high fructose corn syrup land. [laughter] then new government health guidelines for women. dudes, just continue treating whatever you have with talcum powder. then my guest is robert wittman, an art crime investigator. good, i want to take out a restraining order on the mona lisa. her eyes keep following me around the room. god said i shall have no gods before me, so don't spoil your appetite with vishnu poppers. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. nation, please, we have to... [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much. very kind. and in return, let me say, dos vidana. nation, as everyone knows, i am the world's biggest fan of spider-man. what's that, nerds? you're a bigger fan than i am? really? well then here's a spidey trivia question. which issue had you on the cover? i am on amazing spider-man number 573 saving the webbed crusader. [cheering and applause] pretty cool. well, i'm afraid i cannot save him this time because of the
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latest issue of marvel comics ultimate fallout, peter parker is killed, presumably while appearing in spider-man: turn off the dark. [laughter] worst, now that peter parker is dead, there is a new replacement spider-man. >> billing, big shake-up in the superhero world. >> forget about peter parker, the new spider-man is swinging through the pages of marvel comics, and his name is miles morales. >> that's right. >> a teenager who is half black, half hispanic. >> stephen: half black, half hispanic? what sort of origin story does he have? was he a black guy bitten by a radioactive hispanic or a hispanic guy bitten by a radioactive black guy. it doesn't make any sense. plus half hispanic, ? he's coming here to steal our superhero job. it's bad enough we have an illegal immigrant claiming to represent the american way.
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go back the cal ripken on the, kal-el. what's next? a chinese hulk? don't mark -- make me asian. you wouldn't like me when i'm asian. next thing you know they'll give us a gay batman. okay, a gayer batman. [applause] anyway, golden age is over. nation, i'm in the afraid of my own shadow, but you should be because i don't know where it goes when i turn off the lights. this is the threatdown. [siren blares] folks, shocking news from a land beyond america's borders. north dakota. [laughter] jim. >> an 82-year-old grand forks man has pointed out a constitutional flaw. it puts into question whether legally north dakota has ever been a state. technically it could be argued in court that north dakota is still a territory.
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>> stephen: the state of north dakota may not exist. it's like south dakota's canadian girlfriend. she's up north supposedly really cool and beautiful, but nobody has ever seen her. this shocking revelation comes from 82-year-old john robinski, who noticed a discrepancy while reading the north dakota state constitution because that's the most exciting thing to do in north dakota. [laughter] he's a thrill seeker. now, turns out the u.s. constitution requires all state legislators, executives and judicial officers to swear an oath of allegiance to uphold the u.s. constitution. but north dakota's state constitution omitted that requirement for its governor, which means technically north dakota isn't a state, which brings me to threat number three, fake states. nation, and i'm not talking to you, north dakota, there are now
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over 670,000 foreigners masked on our northern south dakota border just waiting to stream into real america and take the jobs we don't want to do, like living in north dakota. we should have seen this danger coming, folks. we should have seen it coming after this terrifying documentary. they've got strange native garb. they refuse to speak english. >> yep, you wet. >> yeah, hi, yeah. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> oh, yeah. >> oh, yeah. >> yeah. >> oh, yeah. >> yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah. and they make a very disturbing sausage. [audience reacts] i warned you. well, until north dakota fixes their constitution, they are not a state, so it is time to update the flag. just get out my official flag updater. take it out there.
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check the sampler lid. okay. alabama. arkansas. arizona. california, north dakota. there you go. all right. just one, two, three, four, put that right there. okay. to denote their non-official status, i have added an asterisk to this star right there. [laughter and applause] that means... that means it's either illegitimate or has taken steroids. i'm looking at you, alaska. who me? i've just been working out a lot. bull [bleeped]. next. i've said it before, weather men have a liberal agenda. why else is the weather map a gay pride flag? and now there is a whole new kind of subversive weather blowing into arizona. >> today's word of the day that you must know is haboob.
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>> official term is haboob. >> haboob. >> haboob -- h after h-b-o-o-b is an arabic name for an intense sand storm. >> stephen: haboob. this is america, bring us the forecast in weather. which brings us to number, two sharia weather. folks, i think it's bad enough that all our weather forecasts contain arabic newman also. what's next? are we going to start saying, man, it's really raining camels and sphinxes out there or teach our kids to build frosty the snow imam? i'm not the only one who is angry inch a recent letter to the arizona republic, one reader complains, "i am insulted that they're now calling this kind of storm a haboob. how do you think our soldiers feel coming back to arizona and hearing some middle eastern term." yes, think of how you feel.
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it's almost as demoralizing as finding out they've they've come back to arizona. such a lovely state. i'm sure it's a lovely state. i say get rid of haboob and let's get rid of all arabic words from english. from now on alcohol will be freedom juice. a giraffe will be freedom neck. and alphiladelphia will be renamed osalad bin laden. finally the number-one threat to america, monopoly. the classic american game of family fun in violation of antitrust laws is getting an alarming makeover. >> no dice, no money, monopoly is going high tech. >> there's a new poply coming along called monopoly live, and the whole thing there that you see is that speaker thing in the middle is a computer. it tells you what to do. >> stephen: no computer tells me what to do.
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when my garnin gps tells me to turn right, i turn left. i haven't been home in five years. without cash, there's in cash. in the new game there's in cash, and no cash, i can't be banker. how will i slip myself my $500 bonus for rolling doubles? instead there's an infrared tower that issues instructions, keeps track of money and even watches over advancing the proper number of spaces. in other words, it's a big brother regulator imposing its socialist nanny state regulations on commerce. what's next? my schnozzer will have to get nuders so it doesn't hump the top hats? this is all part of... folks... [applause] this is all part of hasbro's plan to shorten and simplify many of its popular games. no dice, hasbro, literally. they took away the dice! monopoly is supposed to be a grueling, nine-hour marathon that dad always wins because his
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bedtime is later. [laughter] so folks, keep this battery-powered menace out of your playrooms until they update it properly. one player is born with a bill whereon dollars and all all the get out of jail free cards. he bundles all the good properties like marvin gardens and pacific avenue with crap properties like mediterranean and baltic and come biengs them as triple-a rated property swap derivatives that he sells to the other players who lose their life savings and end up turning tricks on the boardwalk. [cheering and applause] finally, the game ends when the last player goes broke and has no choice but to join the army and start playing risk. we'll be right back. (ñw+v;v.
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>> welcome back. welcome back. [cheering and applause] folks, i said it many times on this very broadcast. i am no fan of the department of health and human services. i am an originalist. i say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended, four feetfall, crippled with ricketts until we die of old age at 28. but now the dhs has handed down a baffling new mandate. >> the obama administration will soon force private health insurance companies to pay for breast-feeding babies, birth control for women. >> the focus is preventative care, so free h.i.v. screenings, free counseling, even free breast pumps are covered under the plan which could start as soon as next august. >> stephen: this is an outrage. a woman's health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband. [applause]
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besides, folks, i don't believe in birth control. if you want to control your fertility, do it the way god intended, with a cold, loveless marriage. firm handshake. good night, dear. till morning then. [applause] see you after work. now, to some this plan may seem benign, but iowa republican steve king knows the the elle nazis are up to something sinister. >> they've called it "preventative medicine." well, if you apply that preventative medicine universally, what you end up with is you've prevented a generation. >> stephen: exactly. americans only have children by accident. it's clearly hard to imagine anyone having steve king on purpose. i mean, free birth control...
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[applause] free birth control will wipe out the american race. that's what wiped out the dinosaurs. a bowl of free condoms. so i don't know how the t-rex got them on. [applause] [laughter] folks, i'm angry. folks, this plan is not just the end of humanity. it is the end of decency. as explained by outraged blonde fox lady. >> why in the world would you encourage your daughters and your granddaughters and whoever else comes behind you to have unrestricted, unlimited sex any time, anywhere? >> stephen: yeah. why?
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because hickory smoked lady and i know that if we give your daughters and granddaughters access to birth control, they will instantly turn into wanton hard lets with an insatiable sexual appetite because you know women are always on the edge of nymphomaniacal. they'll pick up a prescription and bone the pharmacist, the stock boy and everybody in line for the bus. why? because the birth control is paid for by the government. [applause] and the spray tan victim is just beginning to make her point. jim? >> now we're going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse. are we going to do pedicures and man cure, as well? >> stephen: thank you finally a woman agrees with me that those are just frivolous
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impulse buys. you know the ladies, they're always pumping out breast milk, getting a mani pedi, having a cosmo with their abuse counselor and then pick up some sperp side. this is why we must repeal obama care and get back the insurance companies covering only real, necessary medical expenses like boner bills. how else are we supposed to sexually satisfy the army of flesh-thirsty young sluts obama is creating with your tax dollars? we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] woman: saving for our child's college fund was getting expensive.
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man: yes it was. so to save some money, we taught our 5 year old how to dunk. woman: scholarship! woman: honey go get him. anncr: there's an easier way to save. get online. go to geico.com. get a quote. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
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thank you very much. my guest tonight recovers stolen paintings and found the f.b.i.'s national art crime scene. i hear a lot of the suspects have been framed.
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please welcome robert k. wittman. [cheering and applause] hey mr. wittman, thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> stephen: okay. you've got a fascinating job. you are a former senior investigator and founder of the f.b.i.'s arts crime team. during 20 years of your career there, you recovered more than 225 million dollars worth of stolen art and cultural property. now you've got your own firm, robert whitman incorporated, and your memoir is called "priceless." okay. how does one become an investigator in art crime? they say it takes a thief. are you a cat burglar turned good? >> new york i think what you have to do is you have to have a real deep understanding and love of art. i think that that helps. and then also you have to have an understanding of the art business. because, you know, when we talk about art and art history, you know, people know the stories of
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rembrandt, and they know the stories of renoir and monet and being blind and that type of thing, but that's not what we do when we talk about art crime. art crime is all about the art business and the business of art and how to make a deal in the art world. >> stephen: how is art crime committed because, you know, from the movies, you see, you know, a grid of lasers and catherine zeta-jones puts on a skin-tight suit and somehow showing her butt helps get her through the grid. i mean, is it that or do guys just come in and snatch stuff off the wall? >> in 20 years of doing these investigations with f.b.i., most of the time it's the guys coming in and snatching the things off the wall. >> stephen: so art museums don't have like the giant doors that come closing down that hit you in the neck? >> i've never seen the doors that come together and close up. american museums have excellent security. some of the best security in the world are in american museum,
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but when you look at museums in new york and outside of this country, it leaves a lot to be desired. the reason for that is because it's very difficult to integrate these good security systems into museums that are hundreds of years old. the castles in france, the castles in germany, very, very hard to defend and secure. >> stephen: you ever go into a museum, look at a piece of art and go, i could steal that? >> i actually don't look at it that way. i think that when i go... [laughter] when i see these places, i have gone into museums around the world in hungary and in romania and what not, and i've seen really bad security. and i just feel bad about it. i wish that there was enough funds to be able to support that. the problem is that security is not something that museums want to pay for because it's not the sexy part. the sexy part of a museum is exhibits and it's putting up the artwork. >> stephen: let's talk about the unit itself. does the f.b.i. take art theft
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seriously? i mean, do you guys in the art group, do you have to sit at your own nerdy art table at lunch. >> when i was... i retired in 2008, and i started the team in 2005. we had eight agents at the time. today i'm happy to say there are 13 agents at the f.b.i. who are trained in art theft investigation. so they obviously do take it seriously. they are going in the right direction. >> stephen: let's take a look at some of the stuff you've been able to recover. jim will put up the first picture. what is this? >> this is a wonderful piece called "the swing" by francisco goya. this was stolen from a private home in madrid in 2001. >> stephen: where did you find that? >> we were able to cover that in the boot of a car, which is the trunk of a car, as they were doing negotiations trying to sell the paintings to me. we were making a deal. >> stephen: to you? now do you have like a mustache and a beret? like what... do you have to look
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like a pretentious a-hole when you go to recover in the art world and always have a half-formed glass of chardonnay in your hand? let's look at the next one. this is probably the biggest find that you made. what is this? >> well, financially speaking, this is a recommend bran self-portrait stolen by gunpoint at the swedish national museum in stockholm. that was done in 2000. another undercover operation in copenhagen in 2005. >> so you traveled the world? >> yes. >> you're like renee russo in "the thomas crown affair." and i'm sure you look just as good in a lace dress. thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: robert wittman. the book is "priceless." we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] a new school year has so much potential. hey, any resolutions? my resolution is the same as always, keep her full and focused with my fiber.
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[ female announcer ] make a resolution to give your kids kellogg's® frosted mini-wheats cereal this year. keeps 'em full... keeps 'em focused.
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